Little Red Riding Hood and PC

The POLITICALLY-CORRECT RED RIDING HOOD
-by Bryan Hupperts.

There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood
who lived on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and
rare plants that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only
someone took the time to study them.

Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture-giver whom she sometimes
referred to as "mother", although she didn't mean to imply by this
term that she would have thought less of the person if a close
biological link did not in fact exist. Nor did she intend to denigrate
the equal value of non-traditional households, although she was
sorry if this was the impression conveyed.

One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically
grown fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's house. "But
mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized people who
have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages
between various people in the woods?" Red Riding Hood's mother
assured her that she had called the union boss and received a
special compassionate mission exemption form.

"But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?"
Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for
womyn to oppress each other, since all womyn were equally
oppressed until all womyn were free.

"But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket,
since he's an oppressor, and should learn what it's like to be
oppressed?" And Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her
brother was attending a special rally for animal rights, and besides,
this wasn't stereotypical womyn's work, but an empowering deed
that would help engender a feeling of community.

"But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick
and hence unable to independently further her own selfhood?" But
Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother wasn't
actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way,
although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were
inferior to what some people called "health".

Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of
delivering the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off.

Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and
dangerous place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an
irrational fear based on cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal
society that regarded the natural world as an exploitable resource,
and hence believed that natural predators were in fact intolerable
competitors. Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves
and deviants, but Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless
society all marginalized peoples would be able to "come out" of
the woods and be accepted as valid lifestyle role models.

On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a
woodchopper, and wandered off the path, in order to examine
some flowers. She was startled to find herself standing before a
Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket. Red Riding Hood's
teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers, but she was
confident in taking control of her own budding sexuality, and chose
to dialogue with the Wolf.

She replied, "I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks
in a gesture of solidarity."

The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to
walk through these woods alone."

Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the
extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as
an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to
develop an alternative and yet entirely valid world view. Now, if
you'll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way."

Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded
towards her Grandmother's house. But because his status outside
society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-
style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma's house.

He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action
affirmative of his nature as a predator. Then, unhampered by rigid,
traditionalist gender role notions, he put on Grandma's
nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and awaited developments.

Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I have
brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you in your role of
wise and nurturing matriarch."


The Wolf said softly "Come closer, child, so that I might see you."

Red Riding Hood said, "Grandma, what big eyes you have!"

"You forget that I am optically challenged."

"And Grandma, what an enormous, what a fine nose you have."

"Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but I
didn't give in to such societal pressures, my child."

"And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!"

The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and, in a
reaction appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of
bed, grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide
that she could see her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly.

"Aren't you forgetting something?" Red Riding Hood bravely
shouted. "You must request my permission before proceeding to
a new level of intimacy!" The Wolf was so startled by this
statement that he loosened his grasp on her.

At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage,
brandishing an ax.

"Hands off!" cried the woodchopper.

"And what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding Hood.
"If I let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of
confidence in my own abilities, which would lead to poor self
esteem and lower achievement scores on college entrance exams."

"Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species!
This is an FBI sting!" screamed the woodchopper, and when Little
Red Riding Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced
off her head.

"Thank goodness you got here in time," said the Wolf. "The brat
and her grandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner."

"No, I think I'm the real victim, here," said the woodchopper. "I've
been dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those
protected flowers earlier. And now I'm going to have such a trauma.
Do you have any aspirin?"

"Sure," said the Wolf.

"Thanks."

"I feel your pain," said the Wolf, and he patted the woodchopper
on his firm, well padded back, gave a little belch, and said
"Do you have any Maalox?"

Related article: An Obituary for an Old Friend

Ed footnote: